Tuesday, February 2, 2016


This is going to be a super random blog entry with random thoughts all over the place because there is just so much going on in my head right now I need a place to vent it all out. I don't need any answers, or maybe I do, I don't know. I kinda just feel like talking to someone who is mute and emotionless.

I had politics lecture this afternoon and it makes me question many things about the modern state. Basically it talks about why the modern state is how it is today and that we are acting in obedience to the state's demands not because we want to but due to many reasons, we find no need to go against it. There's the punishments for disobedience, benefits for being obedient, complying to state laws and regulations because our bodies and minds are habituated to since young, and also because it is human nature for us to think about individual benefits and for fear of individual costs outweighing the individual benefits for going against the state and trying to bring the system down we just choose not to. Ok it's confusing and I don't care if you understand what I'm trying to get at but it really makes me question fucking a lot of things in the modern state. And sometimes I want to disagree with the professor and then I'm just caught in this moment thinking how I am exactly the kind of people my prof has been talking about, those that have fallen into the false consciousness the state has set us up in. In other words just propaganda. And whenever I want to stand up for myself and the state I just feel like I'm one of these people that has fallen into the trap of the modern state. And I feel so perplexed. I am not stupid like what Karl Marx thinks of everyone who is not rebelling against the capitalist state. Sighs, deep thoughts. Anyway, politics lecture makes me feel like this every single time and I hate that my prof is right about this. And also, after knowing all these, am I supposed to do nothing about it? It's like I'm being educated about the right things to do for the betterment of the society and I'm just going like "yup that's the right thing to do and that's what I am supposed to do" but "nope I'm not going to do anything about it because... (basically all the things my prof said about why the state is as fucked up as it is right now because of the people and I am one of those people and I don't want to be and I'm not going to do anything about it)". Basically, the whole point is I am just thinking way too much into politics. It is very interesting tho, unless you're like me who feels too much about everything you'll be left questioning your existence and everything right now.

Like also, (lemme digress) there is also such thing called the deep web. Like now wikipedia and google and everything we are exposed to right now on the internet is merely like 10% of the whole internet network or whatever it's called. All these things that we have excess to is called the surface web. But there's something called the deep web, which is how the ISIS and Anonymous whatever do all the things they are doing right now. And it also contains many scary things that we will never have access to on the surface web, basically like child porn, or you can even find access to hiring assassins and all that kind of stuff. It's dangerous to venture into the deep web though, because once you're inside, you're really exposed. All your information like height and weight and credit card number or whatever will be exposed once you venture into it. It's more than just saved cookies or cache or whatever, basically the internet is more powerful than you can imagine. Yeah I recently discovered this scary thing (nope I did not venture into it cos I'm not an idiot eventhough it sounds pretty compelling but I might get killed the next second who knows right since so many people hate me lol ok just kidding)

Oh and also I was on Facebook recently and I saw this article about 10 things girls do that guys hate and how it just shows how childish and immature the girls who do all these things are. And whatever, that's not really the point but there are things that guys do that I absolutely loathe as well. I don't get why guys place their pride and ego so high up, it's just so fucking childish.

Like, if you dont understand something you can just ask? You dont have to know everything to be intelligent and you dont have to always be the smarter one. What's wrong with not knowing as long as you're willing to learn? I dont understand. Like if I understand something and you dont, you dont have to think so hard and come up with something that you're sure I have no idea about just to prove something. THERE IS NOTHING TO PROVE. GOD. And why do guys think girls are all about money. We don't want your god damn money for fuck's sake. Like really, if you paid for a $70 meal, get the fuck over it. If you didn't want to pay the entire bill you can just open your god damn mouth and ask to go dutch like what the fuck is your mouth for besides big talk about your nice car and how rich you are or what a good driver you are or how you have an enormous dick. 

I am basically at this stage of sexual confusion because I am so deeply crushed by the male species that I want to put my faith in females but I can never fall in love with someone with a vagina. In simpler terms, I am very straight but I really don't want to be because guys suck. Nice guys are all taken or boring, and I don't like nice guys. And wild, adventurous and interesting guys are all douche bags. And tall muscular guys are either gay or love petite girls. #truth

Ok forget about boys and relationships because I get hurt by friends more than lovers ever do. I am such a tough girl but if I feel a friend giving up on me I just...cry and I just wanna walk away and fall into yet another state of depression and self-loathe. I'll keep thinking about what a bad friend I am, and then I wanna die so badly and just disappear. Yknow I really don't care about a lot of things, I am usually very oblivious simply because I don't care, then sometimes I think to myself, do I really not care or do I not care because I am trying to not care when I do. I don't know because if I really don't care then why do the shit people say about me affect me so much. I mean, let's be real, people say tons of shit about me and I just rub them off like it's nothing then late at night when I'm all alone I start to think if I met someone just like me would I have said the same shit about me? I think I try so hard to change the impression other people have of me but why does it matter. I have people telling my newly-made friends that I'm a slut and make out with random guys in public and had sex with tons of guys. And I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo affected I literally asked Vanessa like do I? When I know fairly well it's not true, then comes the self-doubts which really kills me. Sometimes I hate myself soooo much I really understand why lovers leave me and friends walk away from me. I am really not good enough, but who is really. 

Why am I so easily replaced? Do people who left still think of me? It'll make me fucking happy to know it's a yes but what am I going to do with an answer like that? It's not like I'm gonna want you back after you've given up and walked away from me. But sometimes I do want you back, but what for if we both know fairly well you're not gonna make it into my future? But who knows if you'll make it into my future like if I don't do anything to get you back now then for sure duh you won't make it into my future, but if I do something now then it's a maybe. Isn't a maybe better than a damn no? 

Why do I need affirmations like this, like people who left me saying they still think of me and miss me, to know that I actually left an impact in their lives and is not a bad person? I can do so much better than this.

Why do I have to shut up and nod in acceptance when people try to talk bullshit into me and make me understand their shit narrow-minded thinking and not the other way around. I don't want to do that? I dont want to lie to myself? It's not that I want everything to go my way but if you think your perspective makes sense and I think my perspective makes sense too then why do I have to listen to yours and you dont have to listen to mine? It's not fair?

Also I am deeply upset about how awful my braces hurt right now after tightening it yesterday morning and my mom brought me to drink fucking bittergourd soup as the last meal I could eat before my teeth starts to hurt do you feel my pain? Now I can't even bite on bread fuck. 

I think I am done ranting.



Anonymous said...

Have faith okay! You don't know me but I just want you to know that there are things out there worth living for, worth looking forward to. :)

Anonymous said...

Psychoanalysis states you have low self esteem and needed affirmation on your actions and thoughts. You did right to talk to a close friend about your thoughts and issues. Just need to keep a positive mind of thoughts. When life gives you lemon, you know what to do with it.