Saturday, July 6, 2013

Messy hair and thirsty hearts

After taking a long one month break, I'm finally back to blogging as promised. I swear I have too many things to blog about but this post shall be dedicated to just one thing that people are most curious about. I am also very happy that I'm getting requests on what to blog about! So thank you thank you, and I would love for you guys to keep the requests coming. 

PS: I know I'm not some famous blogger but please let me dream.

"I let it go. It's like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home."

If you've been a close friend or a frequent reader of my blog, you would have known I haven't had the best time of my life for the past one year. I don't wish to repeat what happened cos I'll just be regurgitating the same old boring dramatic shit all over again, but yes I had a rough time. It may seem really exaggerating to say this but I believe someone out there who have been through the same shit as me, and survived would agree with me. The pain I felt then was almost unbearable. Every single day, I wake up wishing I hadn't, wishing I died in my sleep. And every single night I go to sleep wondering how many of these nights I will have to go through, crying myself to sleep. Almost all the thoughts I had then were suicidal. And I didn't think anyone would believe how hurt I was unless I died or something. It was horrible, and I was devastated. It changed me into someone I thought I'd never become, someone I used to really dislike. All these went on for months and months until I met Jon.

He is exactly like me. There is a lot more to him than what you think or see, or even what you think you actually know about him. Everyone just passed judgments of him without even knowing him personally. The first time I talked to him, we agreed to trade a secret. It wasn't easy for him to open up but as he did, I opened up to him too. 

The things we have in common are really rare, but I shook it aside cos yknow it could really just be chances or coincidences. I can't remember all but we have the same title "Sweet Surrender" on our tumblr. Aside from all these, we are too alike in the way we think, the way we see life. It's all the "OMG SAME!!!" and the "I understand" that eventually made us even closer. We knew we could confide in each other and he will never judge me, neither will I. It's so hard to find someone like him who accepts me entirely for who I am. He makes me feel like a princess and the most beautiful girl alive. Isn't that what all girls long to feel in a relationship? I feel that when I'm with him, I don't have to constantly better myself for him, he makes me feel that I'm good enough, or rather he makes me feel like I'll always be his first choice. Of course of course, I know he's very smooth with words, sweet tongue, cute face and all, and that I'm exceptionally gullible and sucker for sweet talks but nobody actually made me feel that way before. 

Sometimes you meet someone and you tell yourself "don't fall for it", "he's just the same", "he's gonna hurt you", but you're happy. And even if it's just for awhile, the fact that he makes you happy remains undeniable. Is it worth it to let all these fears keep you from being happy? I'm sorry I'm not gonna give you a choice because I'm telling you, the answer is big fat mother fucking "NO". Because every second you live being sad or unhappy, is a second of happiness you'll never get back. And you may think it's just for a second, but it's enough to torture you. In life, people are gonna hurt you whether you like it or not, whether you're an angel or a fucking Samaritan, people are gonna hurt you anyway. So you might as well just do what makes you happy, just do what you love and live your life to the fullest. 

I know I know. I know these fears never really go away, but at least they're no longer in the way you know? I used to think I'll never move on from my previous relationship, I'll never get over it but how wrong was I? Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet. As naive as I sound, I wish to believe Jon is right for me. Even if he's not, I don't ever want to lose him. I'm certain I will never ever find someone like him in my entire life.

I know my friends are worried for me cos when I love I fall way too deep and when people hurt me I get completely crushed. As much as I wish to put up a strong front, I still die. But eventually, you find the one you think is worth "dying" for, the one whose worth the heartbreak.

I always believe that two people who love each other should always be together. If the love is strong enough, they will pull through every obstacle they face. Neither one will give up on the other. In other words, "Love conquers all".

He taught me that love still exists when I thought it never could again. He makes me glad I'm alive. 
I love you.

Oh btw, this is for the haters. HAHAHA

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