Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Chasing relentlessly

Photo credits to Shu-en ^^
What's up guys! Here's an early HAPPYfuckingHOLIDAYS to you cos I can't fucking wait for June holidays to come. At last, a long break that I deserve. Well, judging from the bad grades not quite, but from the pathetic amount of sleep I'm getting, yessss. HAHA. Of course of course, not to forget I have my MYCTs after the holidays, so the holidays give me ample time to catch up on my work and to do intensive mugging for my exams. Uhh yes I kinda need to mug instead of just study cos I fell into the bottom 10th or 20th percentile for my block tests unfortunately... And it was compulsory for my parents to attend Parents-Teachers-Meeting. Sighs.

My Dad and I at PTM in school
Mom and Dad wasn't pleased that the PTM was compulsory for them. They will never wanna see my teachers, know about what's going on in my school, or anything related to school stuffs. So both of them were debating who should attend the meeting instead and Dad gave in HAHA. C'mon, I wanted both of them to come! I mean, they don't even know what class I'm in or what subject combination I take! They don't even know if my principal is a bloody male or female. Pfft, it doesn't seem to concern them anyway. And the talk between Ms Tan and Dad took like 5 mins? HAHA, he couldn't wait to leave the school. But we stayed awhile cos I insisted I wanna try the refreshments our stingy school provided. Yes I had to add the word 'stingy'.

I've got nothing much to update you guys about, just that I've been feeling really happy recently. It's kind of a mixed feeling. A part of me still feels so scared to be happy again, but another part of me feels like "fuck it Pei, just be happy." I know I know, I sound really confusing. What's so scary about being happy again? I have no idea... just the thought of it scares me somehow. I used to be so happy, and it's so scary how all the reasons for my happiness could vanish all at once, and leave me in yet another state of depression. I'm the kind of person who gets really attached to people. Once I trust them and tell them all about myself, I will want them to stick around. I will want to know all about that person too. Isn't it scary how when you have everything, you're actually at the losing end? Because you have everything to lose. 

Sometimes it's too late to try to salvage anything. It's too late to go running after people who got tired of chasing you. Things just aren't the same anymore. She may be the most forgiving person in the world, but nothing erases the hurt. You can't go running to people as and when you feel like it then throw them around like a piece of dirt. I tried to get you back, but you didn't want our friendship. You didn't want it, it wasn't worth your fight. So what makes you feel that it's worth it all of a sudden now? 
"I'm so done. I'm so done being your fucking puppet."

I remembered how desperate I tried, I tried so hard and I wanted someone to tell me "it's worth it, don't give up." but nobody did. Everyone wanted to see me give up, and I did. Why? Now I see people going through the situations I've been, and I told them the things I wanted to hear when I was in that position. They're still happily together.

Yeah but I know somehow, someday, I gotta snap out of this. I need to stop all these negativities and fears from haunting me and preventing me from moving on with my life. What's life without a little bit of setbacks anyway? 

God, all I wanted to do was explain my happiness and I ended up dwelling about the part of me being scared to be happy. HAHA I'm sorry! Well, here's why I'm really happy nowadays. I think it's incredible how the people around me can make me feel incredibly loved. Like sometimes I can't even believe that someone can love me that much, to promise to always be there for me, to stick with me through thick and thin. It's just, I don't know, it makes me feel so warm. Like I wanna be around these people forever and never ever let go of them. (See what I mean by getting really attached to people.) And it's amazing how you meet some people in life that you have sooo much in common with, that sometimes I think maybe yknow we're "soulmates". You meet these people who understands why you do what you do, who knows what you've been through but don't judge you, who sees all your flaws but still love you nonetheless. 

You know how sometimes you look at some people, and you feel envious. Like "look she's beautiful, she gets all the attention, she have everything she wants", and this person just come up to you and lets you know that no matter how you look like, you still get all my attention. No matter what you become, what you do, you'll always have me. And that there's no reason for you to be jealous of other people, because you're wonderful and perfect for being you.

You know you know you know? I don't know but it's amazing how these people make me feel. They make me feel safe, and assured that I'll always have somebody with me. 

So thank you to all my friends :')

Gotta thank Jon for the edited photos. He make me so beautiful...

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