Survive now and cry later

This photo speaks a thousand words. Thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. The reason why I haven't blogged was cos I'm afraid my posts might just depress you greatly. I'm not having the time of my life currently. It seems as though I'm carefully counting each steps I'm taking. One wrong step and everything falls apart. And I'm not even kidding when I say everything. 

There are things I'll never do to people, because I know how much it hurts, and I don't want them to feel the same cos I love them. But sometimes, loving someone might really just mean leaving them alone. It's so hard, but it's the right thing to do. I don't know if it's just me, but these few days I find myself staring at people. And when I stare at them, it's as though I could see their sadness. Or all I could see in people were sadness. Why must we be so sad?

We wear a mask over ourselves, hiding what we really are and what we really feel, unconsciously. Because we think that if we keep telling ourselves we're happy and contented, one day we'll be. But what a big big mistake. I've been doing this for so many months, and still I feel so empty and sad. It's like I could count the days I truly felt happiness and the days amount to zero. 

Honestly, I don't know what to feel anymore. Maybe I don't wanna feel. All these drama, watching all the people I love take one step further and further away from me. Maybe they'll be happier this way, without me in their life. It's so unfair, sometimes I think I need people more than they need me. It's like everyone could do just fine without my presence. And the only way to prove myself wrong would be to die, but it could possibly prove myself right too. What irony.

Somehow I don't want anyone to be reading this because this is so negative, and it's not the usual me. But this is exactly how I'm feeling right now. Past few days, I've been keeping everything to myself. I haven't spoken about my feelings to anyone because I figured things are so much better off this way. I had the habit of turning to my friends for help everytime I'm feeling low, but it's as though this negativity is consuming me so much I feel like everyone is annoyed and irritated. I know one day I'll explode, if so, just let me be.