HEAR ME OUT

Isn't now the right time for miracles to happen to me? ):

First day of school today, it was okay actually. But sorry la, I'm in no mood to describe it okay. It's just like any other first day of school. And Jane spoiled my mood in class, I was like please la, first day of school. If I had a choice you think I wanna be same class as you ah. Are you curious what she did? It's really minor, she just diao-ed me. Ya, really minor. Sometimes I find myself petty. But it's not really the first time okay. Seriously Jane, if you dislike me or anything, you can come straight to me. We'll trash things out, you dont do all those small sneaky little evil things behind my back and think I'm a three year old kid (which I'm obviously not, because you look more like one). And stop shooting me during group chats, and eye me with the corner of your eye all the time. It's not really healthy for your eyes. If the sight of me irks you that much, then think of how much the sight of you irks me. Thank you.

Anyways, I'm sad, moody, disappointed, whatever shit that you can name. Even if you really guessed the right mood for me today, it wouldnt exactly express my feelings today. I know I shouldnt be writing this on my blog, but just this once? Today really affected me alot, I dont think I can bottle everything up. So for once, I'll say all the sad stuffs okay. I'll try not to cry while typing this, and sorry if I accidentally shoot some of you, but I have to say it out. It's really from the bottom of my heart.

Don't anyone dare say they know how I feel okay, you don't. It's not just about something you've been fighting for, something you really wanted, something you can never lose, it's not. It's more than that, so much so that I cant even describe it. But one thing for sure, it's the worst experience, and that feeling sucks. Okay, straight to the point okay? I'm sad cos I didnt make it to the team. And it's not just that, it's like before I got injured I can almost secure my position in the team. And I'm just fighting with Alison for the main 6 subset position. (Yea subset. It totally sucks when people tell me that it's the setter's assistant, I'm not really sure if Alison heard people saying it before, but I can bet on my broken finger that she wont like it if she hear someone say that. And subset dont usually attack, so they dont earn many points. And unless you're damn hot, tall, pretty, outstanding, striking, or whatever shit, you wont really notice subset players. Really. And how subsets are often neglected during trainings. Hey, if any subsets experienced it before, I can totally stand up for you. Maybe Alison and I have been fighting hard to make our position recognised, but did we succeed in doing that?) Anyways, yea I'm just fighting with Alison for the main 6 position. You know how determined I was to beat her? I swear, I even plot out ways to improve myself in the areas that she's not really strong at to beat her. I even had strategies for the team to earn more points through my position. And after talking to Ms Lim after training, it seems like I will tell Alison all about my plans. Yes I'm going to tell her, I understand that I shouldnt be selfish. But in the end, it's all up to her la. Cos I thought I was really gonna achieve it, then comes my injury, and everything just -poof- into thin air.

The thing is, if I dont think coach knew I could train already. I know the doctor didnt give any permissions or so, but I knew what I really wanted. If the main 12 list was announced maybe one training later or even after the training today, and I still didnt get it. I'd be even more sad, and depressed. Cos I knew my injury wouldnt be the cause of it. When I heard the news, I was already trying hard not to cry. Many of my teammates tried catching a glimpse of my reaction. If you didnt see it, lemme describe to you okay, I just stared into thin air. I may still be asking questions, smiling, clapping hands and stuffs, but inside. It's like, I dont know how to say, but it's just like, you can feel your heart sinking, and you can hear every heartbeat. Like, you can hear nothing else at all. I dont know. But after the talk, it's normal for me to cry right? I just cried and asked, "What if I train really hard, can you change the name list?" And things just totally went meaningless when the teachers said the namelist has been submitted. It's like, seriously, I can endure the pain on my finger, what if I can still play up to my standard, or even better. YA WHAT IF. I would say my performance this training is on and off. Cos everytime I tried to push myself to play well, I know I shouldnt feel this way, but I find it meaningless. I know I might be able to play in the nationals, but..nationals? I know I seem normal during the trainings, like usual self. Cos anyone in my shoes would prolly be crying and sobbing the whole training. I expected myself to do that, but still, meaningless. I seem like I got over the matter, like that piece of news is really like a piece of news, nothing but a piece of news. But please la, guess if you thought that way you dont really know me well? Actually everytime something bad comes up, I always wanna do things to make others regret just to make myself happy. I dont know why I always do that, but I think it's not really a bad habit. Because at least this way, I know what I wanna do, and not just rot every training. I always have a target, and squeeze out any competitors possible. I dont know if anyone do the same thing, but I always do that.

Aiya, like what Ms Lim say. In life, you're bound to meet these kinds of circumstances. I've met many, but this just hurts so much more? I think people are gonna find me ridiculous, posting about all these like I'm gonna lose my life, like I had just been diagnosed with an illness that is impossible to recover, or I lost my parents -,- I know okay, sometimes I read at other people's blog I feel the same way as well. I wont really blame you if you think that way, but one day, you're gonna feel the same way as me. And when you finally do, come back and read this post again. Tell me if I hit the punchline of your sad story.

Can I say the things that I really want? I've been dying to say it. People might be shocked, the position I really wanted to play is center. The position I hate to play most is subset, yes I would rather be libero. I never thought that I'm too short to play center okay. FYI, I have the same height as Yuping now. I was always shorter than her by 1cm. And the only reason why I wanna grow tall is to beat her height, and show coach that I'm not shorter than her. I can jump the same height as her, means I can block. And I love blocking. So what if I broke my finger while blocking someone's ball, I still love blocking. And I would say it's the thing I really wanna try out, as in like try out in a real competition. And before you say it's impossible for me to be center because my spiking sucks, think again. I wont elaborate okay. Cos I have another thing that I really wanted to do. You know how the captains always get to throw coin to decide which team serves first, and sign after the entire match? I know it's really a small thing to Chaoxin maybe, cos she gets to do it all the time during competition. But I would really love to try it myself. I dont know why, but it looks and sounds fun. And I love to let people know that I'm the vice-captain. Really, some of you may say show-off whatever shit. I'm not talking about wanting to show off. But I believe that I have contributed enough to the team to have the right to say this. I'm proud and will always be proud to let people know that I'm the vice-cap of the volleyball team. I'm serious. Notice how I would always love to squeeze behind Chaoxin during handshakes? Seriously, some of you guys might have noticed. I know maybe Chaoxin thinks it's really not a big deal la.

Nope I'm not crying. -,- NO POINT LA, I dont understand. But I'm really sad la, but it wouldnt change a thing. You know, I'm sensible enough la. I'm not those girls who cry and cry and cry until their eyes become swollen, aiya I'm seriously not. I cried after hearing the news, thats enough. I drop a tear or two when talking about this, that's more than enough. I dont wanna wail like a baby and people who walk pass stare at me like I'm some strange kid, and wondering what happened to me. NO IM NOT. I think writing this post helps alot. But still, talking about this will still make me sad, but I guess I will be able to joke about it already la. Big girls are strong enough to let things go. I'm a big girl, I don't cry.

Sorry Runfa and Gabriel Tan. I was in no mood to chat, but btw, Gabriel. You were being damn mean and it didnt seem funny to me at all now. Maybe later or tomorrow okay? I might be able to pei he you for awhile. -,- Am I lame or what. Pfft, btw IM OKAY NOW cos chongwei say he also injured his middle finger. HAHAHAHAHA ^^ Thanks for hearing me out. I really needed to do this, hope you guys understand. I hope I dont get used to doing this.