Inferior

Totally an inappropriate time to blog cos I have so many things to complete. Can't promise this will be a short one but I gotta be quick. No, I'm not blogging about results. I just wanna say out all the things (in a subtle manner) that I've been bottling up inside me. I mean, I've come to a point that I'm left with two choices (not gonna state what they both are)...

I haven't been myself at all in JC, and I'm honestly not enjoying it. I don't know how to describe the people there, but I guess I placed too much hope regarding this part. I feel that I need to change, then I ask myself "why should i?". I'm happy when I'm being myself. But I don't think the people there can take me for who I really am. One thing I haven't changed at all is my attitude. I've always been like this, I highly doubt I'll be able to change that. But I promise I'll try, it's not good for me or anybody. I do know that. Maybe I'm too much of a disappointment. I really don't wanna care about what others think of me but I can't! I really care about that, and I'm a fuckass paranoid bitch.

xxx

Something is definitely wrong with me when I'm quiet. When I stop starting conversations. When I stop  laughing hysterically. 

Time.

All I need is time. When time comes, the truth will unfold itself. And we'll see whose still there. You'll see whose still there. 

Sometimes I think I'm trying too hard to please everybody I completely forgot about myself.

Sometimes I feel that I'm being taken for granted for, then reality slaps me in my fucking face and I realised nobody actually cared in the first place.

Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't care about anything else, but I really want to.

Sometimes I tell myself not to trust anyone, but truth is nobody wants my trust at all.

Maybe it's just me.

I know how it fucking hurts to have to try to make myself happy.

Some people just don't get how it feels when one feel so inferior, she wanna talk so much but her voice just slowly dies out. Some people never had the chance to feel this way, and it's so unfair. She had so much to say, but she held it in, as always, enduring all the bullets coming her way, taking in all the pain. Nobody knows how she feel, nobody cares. And nobody sees the pain she felt, because she don't show, or maybe nobody cares too.

I hardly ever rant like this on my blog but I can't take it anymore. I don't care whose reading, whose assuming who/what I'm talking about. If you're feeling guilty then maybe it's you. But please don't feel this way, because then you realise nobody actually cares if you're guilty or sorry, and I know that feeling sucks so much.

I'm half done ranting.